Boundaries Aren't Selfish: Why Healthy Relationships Need Them

A limit is not a wall. It is the thing that lets you stay.

Somewhere along the way you learned a rule: good women give. Good mothers, daughters, friends, and colleagues are available, flexible, and fine with whatever works for everyone else.

Under that rule, a boundary looks like a failure of love. You hear "I can't do that" in your own voice and it sounds cold, so you swallow it and do the thing.

The rule is wrong, and not just in a comforting, be-kind-to-yourself way. The research on what actually keeps relationships healthy points the other direction. Giving without limits tends to cost the giver and does not reliably help the relationship either.

Where the "selfish" story comes from

Psychologist Dana Jack, who spent decades studying depression in women, gave this pattern a name: self-silencing. It means not voicing your feelings, opinions, or anger in order to avoid conflict or the loss of a relationship.

The logic feels sound from the inside. If I do not make trouble, we stay close. Jack's finding was the opposite. Self-silencing is linked to depression, and research applying her framework across 13 countries found the connection holding up across cultures. Her explanation is that staying silent blocks real closeness and cuts you off from support, leaving you isolated inside the very relationship you were trying to protect.

In other words, the strategy that is supposed to keep you connected is the one that leaves you alone.

What the research says about sacrifice

If any body of evidence should support the idea that giving things up is good for love, it is the research on sacrifice in romantic relationships. Psychologist Francesca Righetti and colleagues pooled it: 82 sets of data, more than 32,000 people, published in Psychological Bulletin.

According to a summary from the British Psychological Society, the results split in an interesting way.

• Being willing to sacrifice was linked to higher well-being for the person and better relationship satisfaction for both partners.

• Actually sacrificing showed no clear benefit for the relationship and was linked to lower personal well-being for the one giving something up.

• The link between sacrifice and lower well-being was stronger for women. The researchers suggested that women may sacrifice more often and get less appreciation for it.

Read that carefully, because it is not an argument against generosity. Willingness matters. A partner who would rearrange things for you is a good partner. What does not seem to work is a steady, costly, one-directional stream of giving things up.

The same analysis found that sacrifices felt better when the giver found them satisfying and focused on what was gained. A gift given freely is a different thing from a debt paid under pressure, even when the action is identical.

Good relationships are the point

None of this is a case for pulling away from people. The longest-running study of adult life says the reverse.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 with 724 participants and has followed them and their descendants ever since. Its director, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, has said that satisfaction in relationships turned out to be the best predictor of who would be happy and healthy at 80.

Notice the word: satisfaction. Not the number of people you serve, not how available you are. The quality of the connection. Waldinger describes relationships as something like fitness, a practice that needs regular upkeep.

Boundaries are part of that upkeep. A relationship in which one person is quietly depleted and resentful is not a high-quality relationship, no matter how smooth it looks.

What a boundary actually does for the other person

It helps to stop thinking of a boundary as something you take from people and look at what it gives them.

• Accurate information. When you say what you can and cannot do, people can plan around the truth. Without it, they are working from a version of you that does not exist.

• A yes they can trust. If you never say no, your yes carries no information. When you can decline, your agreement means you are glad to be there.

• Relief from guessing. People who love you do not want to be the reason you are exhausted. Most of them would rather know.

• You, without the resentment. The version of you who shows up after resting is better company than the one who came out of obligation.

• Permission. When you set a limit calmly, you show the people watching, including your kids, that it is allowed.

The generous-yes test

Before you agree to something, ask one question:

"If I say yes to this, will I be able to do it without keeping score?"

If the honest answer is yes, go ahead and give freely. That is the kind of giving the research suggests is good for both of you.

If the answer is no, if you can already feel the tally starting, then yes is the less loving option. It hands the other person your time along with a hidden bill.

You have three honest alternatives:

1. A smaller yes. "I can't host, but I'll bring dessert."

2. A later yes. "Not this month. Ask me again in the spring."

3. A clear no. "I can't take that on."

Any of these is kinder than a resentful yes.

A boundary is not a demand

One reason boundaries get a bad name is that the word is sometimes used for something else: controlling other people. The difference is simple and worth keeping straight.

• A boundary: Is about what you will do

  • A demand dressed as a boundary: Is about what they must do

• A boundary: "I'm going to leave the room if the yelling continues."

  • A demand dressed as a boundary: "You are not allowed to raise your voice."

• A boundary: "I don't lend money to family."

  • A demand dressed as a boundary: "You need to stop asking people for money."

• A boundary: "I'm not discussing my weight. I'll change the subject."

  • A demand dressed as a boundary: "You can never comment on anyone's body."

• A boundary: Can be kept by you alone

  • A demand dressed as a boundary: Depends on the other person complying

A real boundary does not need anyone's agreement. That is what makes it calm. You are not trying to win; you are telling someone what you will do, and then doing it.

It also means a boundary is not a punishment. You can hold one warmly, with a smile, while handing someone a cup of tea.

When you feel selfish anyway

You will. Old rules do not leave quietly. A few reminders for the moment the word shows up:

• Selfish means taking at someone's expense. Declining to give is not taking.

• Discomfort is not harm. Someone being briefly disappointed is not evidence that you wronged them.

• The alternative has a cost too. It is just paid later, in resentment, distance, or exhaustion, and often with interest.

• You are a person in the relationship. A relationship that works for everyone but you is not working.

One firm note. Everything here assumes a relationship that is basically safe. If someone responds to your limits with threats, intimidation, or violence, the answer is not better phrasing. No one should stay in or tolerate an unsafe relationship, and a doctor, licensed counselor, or domestic violence service can help you think through next steps.

Try this today

1. Find one resentful yes. Think of something you currently do for someone while keeping score. Decide whether it should become a smaller yes, a later yes, or a no.

2. Rewrite one demand as a boundary. Take a sentence that starts with "You need to stop" and rewrite it to start with "I'm going to."

3. Give one thing freely. Choose something you genuinely want to do for someone this week and do it with no tally. Notice how different it feels.

Your limits are not the opposite of your love. They are how it lasts.

Sources

• Western Washington University, "WWU's Dana Jack co-authors new book on depression in women"

• British Psychological Society Research Digest, "How making sacrifices for a partner, or saying you will, affects wellbeing" (Righetti et al., Psychological Bulletin)

• Harvard Gazette, "Work out daily? OK, but how socially fit are you?" (Robert Waldinger, Harvard Study of Adult Development)