When Helping Becomes Too Much: Recognizing the Difference Between Caring and Overextending Yourself

You can keep your big heart. It just needs a floor under it.

You are the one who notices. The friend going quiet, the neighbor who needs a ride, the coworker who is drowning, the parent who should not be driving anymore. You notice, and then you act, because that is who you are.

Nobody wants you to stop caring, least of all you. But there is a point where helping stops being something you do and becomes something that is happening to you. You are tired, a little bitter, and guilty about being bitter. You have started to dread the phone.

That point is hard to see from the inside, because the behavior looks the same on both sides of it. You are still showing up. The difference is in what it is costing and why you are doing it.

Two kinds of caring

Psychologists have a useful distinction here. Vicki Helgeson and Heidi Fritz at Carnegie Mellon separated ordinary warmth toward others, which they call communion, from something they named unmitigated communion. Their definition of the second is short and exact: self-neglect and overinvolvement with others.

The first is the trait everyone admires: empathy, generosity, interest in other people. The second is that same trait with the brakes removed. It is caring that has crowded out the person doing it.

Both parts of the definition matter.

• Overinvolvement means other people's problems live in your head as if they were yours. You lie awake over your sister's marriage. You cannot enjoy dinner until your friend texts back.

• Self-neglect means your own needs keep getting bumped. The doctor's appointment you rescheduled twice. The meal you ate standing up.

Notice that the problem is not caring too much. It is caring in a way that leaves you out.

How to tell which side you are on

• Caring: You help and feel tired but glad

  • Overextending: You help and feel drained or resentful

• Caring: You can say "not this time"

  • Overextending: No feels impossible, so you never test it

• Caring: Their problem stays theirs; you support

  • Overextending: Their problem becomes yours to fix

• Caring: You let people help you back

  • Overextending: You deflect help and change the subject

• Caring: Your own basics are covered: sleep, meals, appointments

  • Overextending: Your basics are the first thing cut

• Caring: You offer what you have

  • Overextending: You offer what you do not have

• Caring: You would be okay if they solved it without you

  • Overextending: Being needed is part of how you feel worthwhile

That last row is the uncomfortable one. Sometimes over-helping is not only about the other person. Being indispensable feels like safety. It is worth asking, kindly, whether some of your helping is doing that job.

Why feeling their pain is not the same as helping

Many warm people believe that suffering alongside someone is what love requires. If your friend is in pieces, you should be too.

Neuroscientists Olga Klimecki and Tania Singer tested something close to this. In a study of 53 women, one group was first trained in empathy, in resonating with other people's suffering, and then shown videos of people in distress. Their own negative feelings went up, along with activity in brain regions tied to empathy for pain.

Then the same women were trained in compassion: a feeling of warmth and care toward the suffering person, without taking the pain on. The negative feelings came back down, positive feelings rose, and a different set of brain networks became active. The researchers concluded that compassion training may be a way to overcome empathic distress and build resilience.

In everyday terms, there are two ways to be with someone who is hurting.

• Empathic distress: "I feel what you feel." You absorb it. Two people are now overwhelmed.

• Compassion: "I see that you're hurting, and I care." You stay steady. One person is hurting and one is able to help.

The second is not colder. It is more useful, and you can keep it up for longer. When you catch yourself drowning in someone else's situation, try shifting the sentence in your head from "this is unbearable" to "I care about her, and I'm here."

If you are a caregiver, the stakes are higher

For many women, helping is not an occasional favor. It is the daily care of a parent, a partner, or a child with significant needs.

A CDC report on unpaid caregivers found that roughly one in five adults had provided care to a family member or friend in the past month, and 58 percent of those caregivers were women. Nearly one in five caregivers, 19.2 percent, reported being in fair or poor health. The report notes that caregiving is linked with higher rates of depression and poorer overall health.

Cleveland Clinic describes caregiver burnout as a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that can develop when you put all your attention on someone else's needs and neglect your own. It estimates that more than 60 percent of caregivers experience symptoms. The signs it lists include:

• Emotional and physical exhaustion

• Withdrawing from friends and family

• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy

• Feeling hopeless or helpless

• Changes in appetite, weight, or sleep

• Trouble concentrating

• Getting sick more often

• Irritability or anger toward others, including the person you care for

If you see several of these in yourself, it does not mean you are failing at caregiving. It usually means the load is too large for one person, which was probably true from the start.

Three questions before you say "I'll do it"

You do not need to help less by willpower. You need a short pause between noticing a need and volunteering. Use it to ask:

1. Was I asked? A great deal of over-helping is unrequested. If nobody asked, you can offer, and then let them answer.

2. Is this mine to solve? Some things belong to the other person: their marriage, their job search, their adult child's choices. You can care without taking custody.

3. What will this cost, and do I have it? Not in theory. This week, with the sleep you actually got.

If the answers are yes, yes, and yes, help wholeheartedly. If not, you have options short of refusal.

Help that does not hollow you out

Offer a specific, limited thing. "I can't take on the whole move, but I can bring dinner Thursday and pack the kitchen with you on Saturday morning."

Support instead of solving. "That sounds really hard. Do you want ideas, or do you mostly need me to listen?"

Hand the problem back, gently. "What do you think you'll do?" This is one of the most respectful questions you can ask. It assumes the person is capable.

Bring in more hands. "I can't be the only one doing Dad's appointments. I've made a list of what's coming up. Which ones can you take?"

Put an end on it. "I can stay until four." "I can do this through the end of the month, and then we'll need a different plan."

Accept help yourself. When someone says "let me know if you need anything," answer with something real. "Could you pick up the kids on Wednesday?" People who love you want a job.

Put your own basics back on the list

Self-neglect is half the definition, so the repair has to include you. Start with the unglamorous things.

• Book the appointment you have been postponing.

• Eat one meal a day sitting down.

• Protect a bedtime.

• Keep one thing each week that is yours and has nothing to do with being useful.

Write these on the same list as everyone else's needs. They are not extras for when you have time. They are what keeps the helper in working order.

When to get support

If you feel emotionally drained most days, hopeless, or numb toward people you love, please talk to a doctor or a licensed mental health professional. Caregivers can also ask a doctor about respite care and local support groups.

If you ever feel overwhelmed to the point of crisis, or have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the US, any time. And helping should never require you to stay in a situation where you are being harmed.

Try this today

1. Read the table and mark your rows. Be honest about which column you are in right now, with one particular person.

2. Use one pause. The next time you feel the pull to volunteer, ask the three questions before you speak.

3. Do one item from your own list today. The appointment, the meal, or the early night.

This is your day, too.

Sources

• Carnegie Mellon University, Gender, Relationships and Health Lab, "Unmitigated Communion" (Helgeson & Fritz)

• Klimecki, Leiberg, Ricard & Singer, "Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training," Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience

• CDC, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, characteristics and health status of informal unpaid caregivers, 2015–2017

• Cleveland Clinic, "Caregiver Burnout"